Resources for healing, growth, and restoration.

If it is a one-time relapse or an occasional trigger, you can do some or all of the things listed here:

• Use slow/deep breathing to calm down and re-engage the logical side of your brain, rather than act out of the emotional side of your brain

• Pray, read Scriptures, and listen to worship/encouraging music

• Ground yourself in the here and now, focus on the facts, replace negative thoughts with Truth

• Go for a walk, exercise, do yoga, etc.

• Do some self-care, something that brings you a few minutes of joy or peace

• Call a safe person, a group member, or your Mentor

• Get extra sleep

• Be gracious to yourself-don’t give yourself a “report card” that you should be healed by now, or reacting better, etc.

• Implement boundaries as needed

If his relapse is repeating, over and over, you need to reevaluate your and his boundaries and consequences. Apparently, the consequences are not painful enough for him to make better choices. Maybe you have not been following through with the consequences you have stated. If he has a flippant attitude about it, you have some choices to make.

If your triggers are frequent and not tapering off, maybe even increasing, you need extra mentoring or counseling to work through some things. While we can’t really control when triggers come, they should be lessening over time if you are getting the help you need.

You do not have to share with anyone, but often we need support from our loved ones, IF indeed they are capable of giving it. We know others can tell something is “off” about us, so it may be better to give them some information, so they don’t imagine an even worse scenario.

If you and your spouse are working on healing and recovery together, you need to be in agreement on when and who you tell. An exception might be if the husband is selfishly protecting himself and the wife has no support; she should discreetly share with whom she needs to. Maybe a counselor/mentor is enough, but it may need to be someone else as well.

Share only the details they really need to know. Most women don’t want to ruin their husband’s reputation outside their home. Be honest, but only tell what is helpful. Maybe, “We are going through a rough time in our marriage,” is enough. Maybe, “Your dad has made some bad choices,” or “your dad broke some important promises to me.” It depends on who you are telling, and with kids, how old they are. You don’t want to create thoughts or questions that will make them assume even worse than the truth.

Men usually ask this because they are very uncomfortable with open emotions, and it reminds them of their failure, and they feel ashamed.

They don’t understand the deep pain of feeling betrayed. It may help for you to compare it to being shot by your best friend in the trench, rather than the enemy. You can also explain that this has broken your wedding vows, which is very serious.

They don’t understand that talking about it IS part of the healing process.

Empathy is one of the last emotions that shows up as a man is healing in recovery, so don’t be surprised if you don’t see it for a while.

Try your best to be a “safe place” when you are discussing hard topics, so he doesn’t always leave feeling bad.